Phil Davis Fails Everyone By Not Being Jon Jones at UFN 24

SEATTLE — Phil Davis took on PRIDE legend Antonio Rogerio Nogueira in the main event of Ultimate Fight Night 24, earning a unanimous decision victory in the bout, which fans in attendance all agreed made him a worthless sack of crap. After a close first round in which Little Nog stuffed his double leg takedowns, Davis used his single leg to take the fight to the canvas and control Nog from within the Brazilian’s dangerous guard in the final two frames like a jerk.

“Dude, did you see that shit,” one fan in attendance asked. “He didn’t even finish the guy. Jon Jones would have broken that old hack in half and dined on his soul.

“Fuck Oklahoma City. Roethlisberger never crossed the goal line,” the fan added.

Criticisms of Davis’ performance were plentiful, with many noting that Davis had already had nine fights in his career, and that by this point Jones was finishing people, as he submitted the formidable Jake O’ Brien in his ninth bout. With Davis failing to meet the standards of the world’s undisputed #1 Light Heavyweight it is expected that he will be released from the organization, and potentially banned from the sport to prevent anyone from having to waste time on such a talentless scrub.

Hardy Shocked to Discover M Stands for Mixed

Controversy swirled around the night’s co-main event in which Anthony Johnson easily handled British knock out machine Dan Hardy (4-3 UFC, 1 TKO, 2 Split Decisions) by tackling him to the ground and lying on him punching him in what the Brit contends was clearly underhanded tomfoolery.

“Righto, so I’m here fixin’-a ‘ave me a kick boxin’ bout an’ this bloke comes out an’ he starts dumpin’ me on my ‘ead,” Hardy said after the bout. “My manager’s lookin’ into seein’ what kind of appeal there is because that can’t be legal.”

Johnson’s underhanded “wrestling” maneuvers earned him a clean sweep on all three cards.

Korean Zombie Comes From Behind to Submit Leonard Garcia

Chan Sung Jung, the Korean Zombie, thrilled the crowd by pulling off a hail Mary victory against Leonard Garcia on the main card. Jung outlanded Garcia by roughly 3:1 in both rounds, while taking Garcia down in each and securing his back in the second, leaving him hopelessly behind Garcia on the score cards. Knowing he needed a miracle, Jung caught Garcia in a twister submission to earn the tap at 4:59 of the second round.

“It happens to the best of us,” Garcia said. “I mean, everything was going great I had him right where I wanted him. That round may have even had me up 10-8, but I screwed up and he got me.”

Jung was awarded the victory by split submission, with scores of Twister, Twister and 17-20.

Quick Hits

• Amir Sadollah remained the least assuming TUF champion in history as he scored a TKO victory over Demarques Johnson and didn’t spit at Johnson’s corner even once.
• Mike Russow and Jon Madsen battled hard for twepoiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii… sorry, fell asleep on my keyboard for a moment there.
• Mackens Semerzier made short work of Alex Caceres, bringing great shame to Bruce Lee wannabes everywhere.
• Sean McCorkle lost the self proclaimed “worst fighter in the UFC bout” then wrote up a carefully worded retort to his haters to show how little he cared about them.